My wife pointed out that on the days I publish these missives, my depression rears its ugly head. I think it’s more about writing them and the examination of my failures that occurs as I write.
Typically, I’m writing these the day before posting them. I’ll have thought about what I’m writing for days beforehand, then sit down on Wednesday morning and write about it. Then in the evening I’ll read it and hopefully find any typos or grammar issues and try to make sure it’s clear. It usually comes out pretty close the first time.
I’ll also cut out some extra material that’s not necessary for the story, etc. Sometimes my writing goes down rabbit holes. I just have to be my own editor.
Last week’s piece brought back all the feelings of being trapped and not in control of my life. How for all of those years, I felt so much anxiety about feeling like I had to do everything I could to maintain the status quo or lose everything.
Years later, I did lose everything. But recalling those feelings of anxiety is troubling. I know so much more about me now than anyone knew about me then, and I can look back and make sense of it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t wear on me. Exposure therapy of sorts. Keep remembering, the memories hurt less.
I never want to feel that powerless again.
I am, however, remembering a lot.
I’m taking a brief break from the writing. The story I’m working on now is taking longer to work out than some of the others. I have other stories planned after that. I just want to get this next one done first.
Some of the stories yet to come:
- The Cool Site of the Year Debacle
- The Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
- The depression that killed my web obsession
- The post web obsession that turned me into a ‘crack five man game development team.’
All this and bacon too. Isn’t everything better with bacon?